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Mantas: Zero tolerance

12/01/09 || Daemonomania

Are you ready for the one and only zero tolerance joke that will be made in this review? If you have zero tolerance for sad, sad attempts at Fear Factory and/or Ministry, stay far away from this waste of space. Seriously, if you’re looking to hold a round object, roughly this size, with a hole in the middle of it in your hand – why not go for a donut instead? Or maybe George Michael’s sliced off, distended sphincter? Or none of the above.

So what we’ve got here is a dude who’s famous from Venom. One day in 2003 he is browsing in his local record shoppe, drinking a cup of tea, eating a scone, and subjugating a native population (all at the same time, UK style). And what did he come across in the bargain bin – nothing other than the classic albums “Psalm 69” and “Demanufacture”. He listened. He liked what he heard. Man-tits knew he could attempt to make this type of music himself, but it probably wouldn’t be even close to as good as his predecessors.

Undaunted, Man-ass wrote the songs then grabbed a handful of musicians and set to work on his new opus, “Zero tolerance.” Pay no attention to the fact that there are five bands called Zero Tolerance out there in the world of metal, or that Death already wrote the song that comes to mind when you hear those words. This HAD to be the album title. He was tired of being tolerant towards all the bleedin’ arseholes out there. From now on, it was inbloodytolerance all the way.

The drummer chick was excited to be a part of the recording process. Tony “Demolition Man” Dolan knew that on an industrial metal album his bass skills might actually be noticed by someone. Alistair Braacken knew his weak guitar riffs would at last have a home. Bry (he of one name, like Sting) anticipated finally releasing all the rage he had against nothing in particular via distorted hardcore shouts. And of course, Mikey Mantastic was running the whole show.

So after what I’m sure was a painstaking process, what Manny and the band had was an album full of similar industrial-metal songs with some of the most inane lyrics this side of the Misfits’ “Ratfink.” Most of metal is known for having lyrics that appear to be retarded thanks to either translation errors or low-watt bulbs with a pen in their hand. Since Mantas and crew are from England, the home of English, retard reason numero uno will have to be thrown out. We’re left instead with the explanation that Manatee may not be the sharpest tool in the shed. A tool, yes. Sharp, no.

They were proud of their creation nonetheless. Demolition Records threw a record release party. No one came, despite the free booze. A single, lonely tear welled up in Praying Mantis’ eye. He quickly wiped it away, and cheered his band greatly by shouting,

“Drill! Kill it! I’ve got less tolerance than ever for those sods who don’t understand our music! BOLLOCKS!”

But that night, as he lay alone in bed, Jeff “da Mantas” Dunn couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. Why was his new album so universally ignored? Had he chosen the wrong path in life? He was finally able to drift into slumber by repeating to himself, over and over again, that he was a great musician, a talented guitarist, a gifted songwriter, and a living metal legend. But deep inside him, another voice kept whispering in a strong Cockney accent,

“It ain’t true.”

2 sad revelations 10.

Information
Released: 2003
Label: Demolition Records
Website: Mantas SySpace
Band
Bry: vocals
Mantas: guitars
Tony “Demolition Man” Dolan: bass
Cherisse Osei: drums
Alistair Braacken: guitars

Tracklist
01. Zero Tolerance
02. Rage
03. Drill
04. Kill It
05. Look Who Died
06. Stone Cold
07. Original Sin
08. Rise
09. Insanity
10. Bring it On

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